Monday, May 30, 2011


I'm still friends with several girls I've known from grade school up, which rocks. I had a best friend once, my soul mate I thought. We were best friends in kindergarten and then through middle school, high school, and even roomed together at Ball State our freshman year. I thought we would be best friends til we were old and gray. I was SO wrong. It's hard to say what exactly went wrong, and you know there are two sides to every story. We both changed, I suppose. But, regardless of who's more at fault, regardless of what the final nail in the coffin was, I'm just as devastated now as I was four years ago when the relationship fell apart. It's similar to a death, the end of a lifelong friendship. It has left a huge scar on my heart that I'm afraid will never fade with time.  She's getting married in August, and I have no part in that day. Considering the fact that she was standing with me when I took my vows five years ago, that's a tough pill to swallow. She's a stranger now, and I'm heartbroken over it. It's truly the one thing in my life that went WAY wrong.  I've made some amazing friendships in the four years since I lost her, girls that I love from the depths of my soul. Girls that don't judge me, that I can tell my deepest darkest secrets to (and believe me, I have some deep.dark.secrets), that laugh when I laugh, cry when I cry, love me and love my kids, support me in every outlet of my life, tell me they hate my husband when I do, tell me they love my husband when I do, tell me they love me before we hang up the phone, and people that I know God handpicked for me when I needed them most (one of these girls I speak of is actually Tina's twin sister. Talk about w.e.i.r.d.)...but still, none have completely filled that void, and no matter what, losing her is one of the saddest things that's happened to me.

The closer and closer her bridal shower approaches, her bachelorette party approaches, and the wedding nears, the more and more my heart aches and actually feels like it's breaking into a million little pieces.

I've talked this situation into the ground with mutual friends, my sister, my husband, etc...and it's not a conversation worth having with anyone anymore. There's no solution, no rhyme or reason to what happened. But it burdens me. daily. So, I write. And hope that maybe one day it'll get a little bit easier.

Friday, May 27, 2011

maddox shenanigans

ohh, my sweet bubby.

bedtime is a tough one for you, isn't it?

Tonight I laid him down in bed (he's in a big boy bed now!) and about five minutes later, I hear his little feet scurry across the floor upstairs. I find him in with Ethan and Harper, laying on the pillow all sweet, cute and cuddly with Ethan. I put him back in bed and sit at the computer (it's in the loft at a halfway point between the bedrooms).

Three minutes later...

He opens the door to the bedroom, zooms past me to the chair in the loft and lays there and closes his eyes. I REALLY think that he thought if he got past me quickly enough, that I wouldn't notice him.


no answer.

"Maddox, bubby. You need to go to bed."

no response. Still laying there with his eyes closed and a little smirk on his face.

Walk over there and pick him up.

His eyes pop open.

"No, Mommy. 'top it! 'top it, mommy!!!"

Lay him back in bed with kisses and cuddles. Because he's too.friggin.cute.

(repeat above scenerio about twelve times)....

He's finally sleeping now. :)

Me and my sweet baby boy last summer. Can't believe he'll be TWO in July!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

I *must* blog more often. For me and especially for my kids.

 So, I think about this blog waaay more than I post.

I need to continue to be inspired to keep this blog updated.

For myself.

And for my kids.

You see, I bought a book the other day. this book.

Warning: if you are pregnant, a mother, hormonal or someone who cries easily: proceed with caution. Because I've been pregnant, I am a mother, I'm a woman (thus, always hormonal), and I DO cry easily, so I understand.

This is a story written by Matt Logelin. He lost his wife 27 hours after the birth of his daughter. His wife never even held their one and only daughter for the first time before she died of an embolism.

Sob sob sob.

I did just that, reading his amazing book.

And it inspired me.

It inspired me to write it all down. I want to remember what my brain won't. I want my kids to remember the little things we did, day in and day out, whether they had lots of meaning at the time or not.

So, here we go:

Ethan graduated kindergarten Monday. I can't believe he's six, and I can't believe he's going to be in first grade next year!! Dave wasn't able to attend Ethan's graduation because he was working, but I think he would've been annoyed with me anyway, had he came. I gave Maddox a styrofoam cup of diet pepsi during the program, which he promptly dropped, the bottom falling out, soaking us both and the floor, rolling into purses and cell phones under the seats in front of us. And as I stood up to try cleaning the mess, my stadium-style chair popped up and all of his chex mix went all over the ground behind me. Ohhhh, Maddox. And me. we're a mess together. :)

Back to Ethan. He got the "star reader" award for his kindergarten class. My heart swelled SO big for him! He started the school year out cursing reading, saying how much he hated it. Now, he's reading on a second grade level and learning new words every day. I'm a lover of all things in print, and I used to be the kid that would finish a book in the car before we got home from the bookstore, so I'm glad I seem to have (hopefully!) passed that on to him.

So proud of my sweet boy.

Harper is soon to be four! I can't believe it, I feel like I was just pregnant with her! Her hair has gotten so long and gorgeous, and she is looking more and more like me, which makes me happy. She is loving preschool and thriving in it, learning her letters, numbers and Spanish (she blows me away with her Spanish!). I'm so lucky that our kids have had the opportunity to attend an amazing Parent's Day Out program at a local church in our area. We love it there.

Buuuut, she's acquired a baaad bad habit lately. LYING. She has been lying (and making it look easy) a ton lately, and I just don't know what to do about her! So, I just pray. I pray that it's not a sign of things to come.

And Maddox. He'll be two in a little over a month! Where did my baby go???? He talksandtalksandtalksandtalks. Nonstop. He always has something to say, and the daily conversations I have with him put the stupidiest grins on my face.

"Mom! Mom! I want this."


"Dis!" (holding up a box of granola bars)

"Okay, get one out and give it to Mommy, I'll open it."

"Ya." (if you haven't heard him say "YA" yet, it's a must. Hilarious.)

He runs over to me with those chubby legs, cankles and feet with this big stupid grin on his face, like granola bars are the best thing God ever created.

He's such a sweetheart.

But he's also worse than Curious George and Dennis the Menace. Combined. On their worst days. He's a freak, man! Here's a veryveryvery small list of the things he's done this week. Yes...this WEEK.

colored on the baseboards with black permanent marker, then colored a spider next to the baseboard until he killed it. I don't know how he managed to keep it there...probably held it with one hand and colored on it with the other, who knows.

pushed a chair into the laundry room to climb on the washer to get all the cleaning supplies out and sprayed them all over himself.

ran over to our neighbor's house naked and laughed and stood in front of their screen door (for a good five minutes or so before I found him)

ran over to our neighbor's house, got in the garage and took their pink barbie jeep hostage. again, a good five minutes or so before I even realized he was out of the house,

ran out the sliding glass door, around the house, and into the street. I had literally just been in the bathroom with him 15 seconds prior to that fiasco.

pulled out all of the pots and pans, climbed on the counter and got out the spoons ("fuks" he calls them...everything's a "fork."), poured some super sticky honey smacks into the pots and pans, covered them in water and then spilled it all over the living room floor. During the three minutes it took him to perform this special trick, I was upstairs getting Harper dressed.

colored all over our computer screen with (you guessed it!) permanent marker.

pulled the chair over to the bar and climbed up, found gum, proceeding to put about 10 pieces in his mouth at once.

poured yogurt all over the kitchen floor, table, wall, curtains

spilled 99.9% of every drink I've given him. All over the floor, kitchen table, wall and curtains.

made it appear that a tornado had gone through our downstairs in approximately two minutes (I know this, because I stood there, timing it).

Yeah...he's a hot mess. But, underneath it all is the sweetest, most caring, loveablehuggablesqueezable little man. He has the best hugs, the best cuddles, and the best smiles. And even though my head hurts just thinking about going home after work and doing it all over again, hearing him say "luuuuh you!" makes it all worthwhile.

I promisepromise I'll try to keep this blog updated more. And if no one reads it, it's more than okay with me. Because I know it'll be here for me and for my kids to read months and hopefully years down the road.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Hello, old neglected blog! Guess what? I'm DIETING!

I haven't used this blog for close to a year. I wanted to use it as a personal blog, but it was hard to keep it and my photography blog going at the same time. I will, however, try to keep this one more updated, and more geared towards personal posts.

I started a diabetic diet with my own spin about a week ago. Seeing as I still weigh what I did when Maddox was a newborn, I decided it was finally time to get my old body back!

I've had a TON of questions about what exactly I'm doing, so I thought I would post some info here. I've lost six pounds in a week so far! My goal is to weigh anywhere between 135-140 pounds, so I have about 15-19 pounds to go!

I'm basically doing low carb, low cal, no "whites" diet.

Low carb- pretty self-explanatory
Low cal- again, pretty self-explanatory
No whites- No white bread, no sugar, no potatoes, no rice.

"Diabetic" part of the diet? "Good" carbs only. 100% whole grains only, but eaten sparingly. So, whole wheat bread/pasta/even saltines have a whole-wheat option.

I'm trying to keep myself around 3-4 carb exchanges per day. 1 carb exchange = 15 grams of carbohydrates. So, around 30-45 grams of carbs per day.

Trying to eat every 3 hours...but that's hard for me to do, with work and the kids, but I'm trying!!!

Here's an example of a regular day:

breakfast- 2 eggs, scrambled with lunch meat chopped, 1-2 pieces of cheese (gouda is my fav!) and some scallions thrown in.

snack 1- a slice of cheese and an apple

lunch- salad with chopped chicken, lots of veggies, some cheese, ranch or balsalmic dressing

snack 2- 100 calorie pack

dinner- fish or chicken, cauliflower or broccoli or a salad

snack 3- 5 whole wheat saltine crackers with a thin layer of PB.

Eating frequently throughout the day jump starts your metabolism, and keeping the meals small helps with the weight loss, and also helps get you used to portion control.

Cooking meals at home will wreck havoc on your dishes...we run about 3 loads through the dishwasher daily! But what I love about it is that I am WAY more aware about what goes INTO my food, and pay more attention to what I'm putting into my body. I like it that way. I like preparing my own meals.  Here are a few of my favorite "recipes:"

Roasted cauliflower- cut up a head of cauliflower into 8 sections. stick in foil. drizzle EVOO or regular vege oil over it, add some salt, pepper and red pepper flakes. Cook in the foil in the oven on 450 for around 15 minutes or so. SO tasty, SO good for you, and SO easy!

Balsalmic chicken- bake 3-4 chicken tenderloins in the oven. Find Newman's Own Creamy Balsalmic dressing (not sold everywhere, I think we find it at Meijer and Walmart), pour about 3-4 tablespoons in a saucepan, heat until just boiling (you'll notice it start to reduce and get a little darker). Pour over your baked chicken, add a handful of scallions, and voila! One of the best tasting and simplest low-carb meals out there!

Cajun talapia- the easiest of them all! I put the tilapia filets on a baking pan (still frozen, even), and sprinkle a good amount of cajun seasoning over it, pop it in the oven at 400 or so for about 10-15 minutes. That's IT!

Broccoli and cheese is good too!

I buy LOTS of veggies at the grocery store weekly (green/red/yellow peppers, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, celery, etc) and do all the prep at home. chop, slice and dice it all, so it's there, ready and waiting for me when snack time rolls around!

Ranch dressing is low carb (watch the serving size though, the calories can add up!), so I slice up a green pepper, dip in some ranch, and done. easy, low carb, low cal, and good for you!

If you have any recipe or meal ideas, please don't hesitate to share! I love new recipe ideas!

Find a friend that's eating healthy, too, and be accountability partners. I have a friend who started the "diet" the same day I did, and we text each other daily what we've eaten. It's easy to be "responsible" that way!

And good luck!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Today was a good day!

The day didn't start off great or anything. Got to work on time. Shocking. Supposed to be there by 7:00 every morning. Maybe I make it there at 7:00 about 33.33% of the time. Yesterday morning I woke up, looked at the clock, registered in my foggy brain that it was 7:38. Didn't care. Went back to sleep. Thank God that Nansie called me and woke me up a little after 8. Oops! :) Ohhhh, one of these days...sleep will not be foreign to me anymore. 

Worked til about 5 and then picked up some green food coloring and blueberries for our St. Patrick's Day dinner. Dave is working tonight (seriously, he works at an Irish Pub. Been there since noon, probably won't get home til after 3 am. BOO.) so it's just me and the kids tonight. I decided that if I couldn't partake in the festivities (i.e. downing a few yummy green beers), then the kids and I were gonna have some green fun of our own!

We made green pancakes! YUM! Some with blueberries and some with my personal favorite. Chocolate chips. DUH. I also made some green scrambled eggs and surprised Ethan and Harper when I pulled the green OJ out of the fridge. Ethan just could not believe that the little St. P. leprechauns did that to our orange juice! I loved seeing his little smile in disbelief. He wanted to call everyone and tell them! I loved hearing the excitement in Ethan's voice as he told Dave what the little leprechauns did! 

After dinner came a little snuggling with my Harper girl as Maddox crawled and screeched and spit up and laughed and yelled and pulled up and chewed on everything in site. Then baby boy wanted some attention. He ate dinner, then some bath time, then off to bed! Not without a fight, of course, because he'd be perfectly content if his momma rocked him to bed and whispered sweet nothings in his ear every night. Ahhh, the lucky baby of the family.

Finally got the younger two down for bed. One of my favorite times of the night is the half hour or so I get to spend with Ethan before he goes to bed. We watch a show together, eat some popcorn (then spend 20 minutes trying to pick popcorn kernels out of each other's teeth). Ethan finally got his out with a toothpick. He actually asked for a toothpick. Made me laugh. Watching a five year old pick his teeth out with a toothpick like an 80 year old man leaving Golden Corral is good for a belly laugh or two! Then it was teeth brushing and book time. Tonight he picked out Where the Wild Things Are. He really wants to see the movie, but I'm not ready for him to see it yet. I've gotten so much feedback that it's not a "kid" movie. We'll wait a little longer.

Not a day out of the ordinary, by any means. Just a good day. A fun day. A day where I feel like I don't get an "F" in mommying day.  

Now back to laundry, dishes and pumping (baby boy has decided he wants milk 24/7 instead of food. My freezer supply is quickly dwindling down)

Happy St. Patty's Day, everyone! 

P.S. Since I'm new at this whole "blogging" thing, I haven't quite figured out how to add pictures to my blog entries yet. Stay tuned, surely I'll figure it out eventually...

Friday, March 12, 2010

First blogging attempt EVER!

So. here I sit. At the computer. When I should be sleeping. Instead of surfing Facebook, IndyMoms, or eBay for the millionth time today, I decided to start a blog.

Let's get something straight right now. I am no writer. My husband was a journalism major in college, so I've always left the writing to him. I'm also a horrible "record keeper." Haven't touched Harper's baby book in months, still have to update Ethan's baby book (5th birthday entry!) and ohhh, poor Maddox. He doesn't even HAVE a baby book! So, I've decided to blog. To document the things that happen in every day life that I know I would one day forget otherwise.

My inspiration is a blog I have been stalking lately. It's a blog by a photographer/writer who is just AMAZING to me. Her blog is SO amazing, as a matter of fact, that CNN is doing a story on her, her life and her blog next week. What an awesome thing to look back on as the years pass and memories fade.

So, here I go, I'm just gonna start from where we are today.

Ethan took his first shower today. Now, please don't mistake that as in my kid has never bathed before. Don't worry, it's me that only showers once a week, not him! :) I've been trying to convince the kid to take showers for about a month now, and he finally agreed to "try it." He loooooved it! He stayed in that shower til the water ran cold and he was shivering. He yelled "it's like being in the sprinkler!" He is such a beautiful kid. He is smart, kind, sensitive, obedient, the best big brother in the world, my little helper, and the love and joy in my life. God has TRULY, truly blessed me with the most amazing first born in the world. My Ethan. He will be in kindergarten this fall, and I just can't believe it. My eyes well up with tears just thinking about it. He's not old enough to go to kindergarten, and I'm not old enough to have a school-aged child! How time flies.

Harper. Oh, my Harper Grace. What is there to say about her? She's my mini-me, my gorgeous little princess. Just ask her, she'll tell you! She goes around the house yelling, "I'm a princess, I'm a princess!" She is the only girl in a family (immediate and extended) full of boys, so she sure is the little princess of the Ahlgrim/Hill/Whitt clan. She's just as rotten and mean as she is sweet and lovely. Won't potty train, though. Won't. Potty. Train. She'll be three in July, and wants NOTHING to do with it. Ughhh, all in God's perfect timing, right? Please, God, have that perfect timing be soon! She's a stubborn girl. And gorgeous. I could just stare at her all day long, her beauty just takes my breath away. And watching Dave with her is even sweeter. Oh, how he loves his baby girl!

My sweet baby Maddox. Already 8 months old. Where has the time gone? Seems like just yesterday he was a newborn! Now he has 3 teeth, eats EVERYTHING, says "dada," crawls and pulls up and has started cruising around the furniture! Stop. Growing. Up. You're my baby boy, my last need to stay a baby forever! He is a cuddler, loves cuddling mommy, loves watching for Dave to cross the room and breaks out in the biggest grin when he spots him. It amazes me. He's still a great nurser, still nursing about 5-6 times a day. HORRIBLE sleeper. Just HORRIBLE! Still up about 2 times a night...arghhh. I don't know what sleep even is anymore. But, one day I'll look back and long for these nights of him curled up in my arms on the couch, his smell, his little hand on me as he eats. My last little nursling. *sniff*

Other than taking care of my three little angels, been really busy with work! Still working as a charge nurse/unit manager at a short term skilled rehab/nursing facility. Love the job. Eh, most of the time. Work's work! A lot of changes at work lately, unsure of what my future holds...just praying a lot about it! But thankful that, as a nurse, the possibilities and opportunities are limitless! I'm lucky enough to work with some *ahhhmazing* people and with my best friend, which makes for a lot of laughs! I wish there could be a reality show about the job I do. Some things, people just wouldn't believe. Oh, the stories I could tell...

Dave and I are going on 3 1/2 years of wedded bliss now! This August will be our 9th year as a couple. Can't believe it! He's working evenings/nights and I work day/, our time together is really limited. Can't wait til the day that things change. He's thinking about going back to school in the fall, so I hope it works out! I'm ready for him to get out there and find that perfect job!

Okay. Not planning on the next entry to be so looong! Just had to start somewhere, I suppose! Til next time...