scar

I'm still friends with several girls I've known from grade school up, which rocks. I had a best friend once, my soul mate I thought. We were best friends in kindergarten and then through middle school, high school, and even roomed together at Ball State our freshman year. I thought we would be best friends til we were old and gray. I was SO wrong. It's hard to say what exactly went wrong, and you know there are two sides to every story. We both changed, I suppose. But, regardless of who's more at fault, regardless of what the final nail in the coffin was, I'm just as devastated now as I was four years ago when the relationship fell apart. It's similar to a death, the end of a lifelong friendship. It has left a huge scar on my heart that I'm afraid will never fade with time.  She's getting married in August, and I have no part in that day. Considering the fact that she was standing with me when I took my vows five years ago, that's a tough pill to swallow. She's a stranger now, and I'm heartbroken over it. It's truly the one thing in my life that went WAY wrong.  I've made some amazing friendships in the four years since I lost her, girls that I love from the depths of my soul. Girls that don't judge me, that I can tell my deepest darkest secrets to (and believe me, I have some deep.dark.secrets), that laugh when I laugh, cry when I cry, love me and love my kids, support me in every outlet of my life, tell me they hate my husband when I do, tell me they love my husband when I do, tell me they love me before we hang up the phone, and people that I know God handpicked for me when I needed them most (one of these girls I speak of is actually Tina's twin sister. Talk about w.e.i.r.d.)...but still, none have completely filled that void, and no matter what, losing her is one of the saddest things that's happened to me.

The closer and closer her bridal shower approaches, her bachelorette party approaches, and the wedding nears, the more and more my heart aches and actually feels like it's breaking into a million little pieces.

I've talked this situation into the ground with mutual friends, my sister, my husband, etc...and it's not a conversation worth having with anyone anymore. There's no solution, no rhyme or reason to what happened. But it burdens me. daily. So, I write. And hope that maybe one day it'll get a little bit easier.