I'm still friends with several girls I've known from grade school up, which rocks. I had a best friend once, my soul mate I thought. We were best friends in kindergarten and then through middle school, high school, and even roomed together at Ball State our freshman year. I thought we would be best friends til we were old and gray. I was SO wrong. It's hard to say what exactly went wrong, and you know there are two sides to every story. We both changed, I suppose. But, regardless of who's more at fault, regardless of what the final nail in the coffin was, I'm just as devastated now as I was four years ago when the relationship fell apart. It's similar to a death, the end of a lifelong friendship. It has left a huge scar on my heart that I'm afraid will never fade with time. She's getting married in August, and I have no part in that day. Considering the fact that she was standing with me when I took my vows five years ago, that's a tough pill to swallow. She's a stranger now, and I'm heartbroken over it. It's truly the one thing in my life that went WAY wrong. I've made some amazing friendships in the four years since I lost her, girls that I love from the depths of my soul. Girls that don't judge me, that I can tell my deepest darkest secrets to (and believe me, I have some deep.dark.secrets), that laugh when I laugh, cry when I cry, love me and love my kids, support me in every outlet of my life, tell me they hate my husband when I do, tell me they love my husband when I do, tell me they love me before we hang up the phone, and people that I know God handpicked for me when I needed them most (one of these girls I speak of is actually Tina's twin sister. Talk about w.e.i.r.d.)...but still, none have completely filled that void, and no matter what, losing her is one of the saddest things that's happened to me.
The closer and closer her bridal shower approaches, her bachelorette party approaches, and the wedding nears, the more and more my heart aches and actually feels like it's breaking into a million little pieces.
I've talked this situation into the ground with mutual friends, my sister, my husband, etc...and it's not a conversation worth having with anyone anymore. There's no solution, no rhyme or reason to what happened. But it burdens me. daily. So, I write. And hope that maybe one day it'll get a little bit easier.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
maddox shenanigans
ohh, my sweet bubby.
bedtime is a tough one for you, isn't it?
Tonight I laid him down in bed (he's in a big boy bed now!) and about five minutes later, I hear his little feet scurry across the floor upstairs. I find him in with Ethan and Harper, laying on the pillow all sweet, cute and cuddly with Ethan. I put him back in bed and sit at the computer (it's in the loft at a halfway point between the bedrooms).
Three minutes later...
He opens the door to the bedroom, zooms past me to the chair in the loft and lays there and closes his eyes. I REALLY think that he thought if he got past me quickly enough, that I wouldn't notice him.
"Maddox."
no answer.
"Maddox, bubby. You need to go to bed."
no response. Still laying there with his eyes closed and a little smirk on his face.
Walk over there and pick him up.
His eyes pop open.
"No, Mommy. 'top it! 'top it, mommy!!!"
Lay him back in bed with kisses and cuddles. Because he's too.friggin.cute.
(repeat above scenerio about twelve times)....
He's finally sleeping now. :)
bedtime is a tough one for you, isn't it?
Tonight I laid him down in bed (he's in a big boy bed now!) and about five minutes later, I hear his little feet scurry across the floor upstairs. I find him in with Ethan and Harper, laying on the pillow all sweet, cute and cuddly with Ethan. I put him back in bed and sit at the computer (it's in the loft at a halfway point between the bedrooms).
Three minutes later...
He opens the door to the bedroom, zooms past me to the chair in the loft and lays there and closes his eyes. I REALLY think that he thought if he got past me quickly enough, that I wouldn't notice him.
"Maddox."
no answer.
"Maddox, bubby. You need to go to bed."
no response. Still laying there with his eyes closed and a little smirk on his face.
Walk over there and pick him up.
His eyes pop open.
"No, Mommy. 'top it! 'top it, mommy!!!"
Lay him back in bed with kisses and cuddles. Because he's too.friggin.cute.
(repeat above scenerio about twelve times)....
He's finally sleeping now. :)
Me and my sweet baby boy last summer. Can't believe he'll be TWO in July!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I *must* blog more often. For me and especially for my kids.
So, I think about this blog waaay more than I post.
I need to continue to be inspired to keep this blog updated.
For myself.
And for my kids.
You see, I bought a book the other day. this book.
Warning: if you are pregnant, a mother, hormonal or someone who cries easily: proceed with caution. Because I've been pregnant, I am a mother, I'm a woman (thus, always hormonal), and I DO cry easily, so I understand.
This is a story written by Matt Logelin. He lost his wife 27 hours after the birth of his daughter. His wife never even held their one and only daughter for the first time before she died of an embolism.
Sob sob sob.
I did just that, reading his amazing book.
And it inspired me.
It inspired me to write it all down. I want to remember what my brain won't. I want my kids to remember the little things we did, day in and day out, whether they had lots of meaning at the time or not.
So, here we go:
Ethan graduated kindergarten Monday. I can't believe he's six, and I can't believe he's going to be in first grade next year!! Dave wasn't able to attend Ethan's graduation because he was working, but I think he would've been annoyed with me anyway, had he came. I gave Maddox a styrofoam cup of diet pepsi during the program, which he promptly dropped, the bottom falling out, soaking us both and the floor, rolling into purses and cell phones under the seats in front of us. And as I stood up to try cleaning the mess, my stadium-style chair popped up and all of his chex mix went all over the ground behind me. Ohhhh, Maddox. And me. we're a mess together. :)
Back to Ethan. He got the "star reader" award for his kindergarten class. My heart swelled SO big for him! He started the school year out cursing reading, saying how much he hated it. Now, he's reading on a second grade level and learning new words every day. I'm a lover of all things in print, and I used to be the kid that would finish a book in the car before we got home from the bookstore, so I'm glad I seem to have (hopefully!) passed that on to him.
So proud of my sweet boy.
Harper is soon to be four! I can't believe it, I feel like I was just pregnant with her! Her hair has gotten so long and gorgeous, and she is looking more and more like me, which makes me happy. She is loving preschool and thriving in it, learning her letters, numbers and Spanish (she blows me away with her Spanish!). I'm so lucky that our kids have had the opportunity to attend an amazing Parent's Day Out program at a local church in our area. We love it there.
Buuuut, she's acquired a baaad bad habit lately. LYING. She has been lying (and making it look easy) a ton lately, and I just don't know what to do about her! So, I just pray. I pray that it's not a sign of things to come.
And Maddox. He'll be two in a little over a month! Where did my baby go???? He talksandtalksandtalksandtalks. Nonstop. He always has something to say, and the daily conversations I have with him put the stupidiest grins on my face.
"Mom! Mom! I want this."
"What?"
"Dis!" (holding up a box of granola bars)
"Okay, get one out and give it to Mommy, I'll open it."
"Ya." (if you haven't heard him say "YA" yet, it's a must. Hilarious.)
He runs over to me with those chubby legs, cankles and feet with this big stupid grin on his face, like granola bars are the best thing God ever created.
He's such a sweetheart.
But he's also worse than Curious George and Dennis the Menace. Combined. On their worst days. He's a freak, man! Here's a veryveryvery small list of the things he's done this week. Yes...this WEEK.
colored on the baseboards with black permanent marker, then colored a spider next to the baseboard until he killed it. I don't know how he managed to keep it there...probably held it with one hand and colored on it with the other, who knows.
pushed a chair into the laundry room to climb on the washer to get all the cleaning supplies out and sprayed them all over himself.
ran over to our neighbor's house naked and laughed and stood in front of their screen door (for a good five minutes or so before I found him)
ran over to our neighbor's house, got in the garage and took their pink barbie jeep hostage. again, a good five minutes or so before I even realized he was out of the house,
ran out the sliding glass door, around the house, and into the street. I had literally just been in the bathroom with him 15 seconds prior to that fiasco.
pulled out all of the pots and pans, climbed on the counter and got out the spoons ("fuks" he calls them...everything's a "fork."), poured some super sticky honey smacks into the pots and pans, covered them in water and then spilled it all over the living room floor. During the three minutes it took him to perform this special trick, I was upstairs getting Harper dressed.
colored all over our computer screen with (you guessed it!) permanent marker.
I need to continue to be inspired to keep this blog updated.
For myself.
And for my kids.
You see, I bought a book the other day. this book.
Warning: if you are pregnant, a mother, hormonal or someone who cries easily: proceed with caution. Because I've been pregnant, I am a mother, I'm a woman (thus, always hormonal), and I DO cry easily, so I understand.
This is a story written by Matt Logelin. He lost his wife 27 hours after the birth of his daughter. His wife never even held their one and only daughter for the first time before she died of an embolism.
Sob sob sob.
I did just that, reading his amazing book.
And it inspired me.
It inspired me to write it all down. I want to remember what my brain won't. I want my kids to remember the little things we did, day in and day out, whether they had lots of meaning at the time or not.
So, here we go:
Ethan graduated kindergarten Monday. I can't believe he's six, and I can't believe he's going to be in first grade next year!! Dave wasn't able to attend Ethan's graduation because he was working, but I think he would've been annoyed with me anyway, had he came. I gave Maddox a styrofoam cup of diet pepsi during the program, which he promptly dropped, the bottom falling out, soaking us both and the floor, rolling into purses and cell phones under the seats in front of us. And as I stood up to try cleaning the mess, my stadium-style chair popped up and all of his chex mix went all over the ground behind me. Ohhhh, Maddox. And me. we're a mess together. :)
Back to Ethan. He got the "star reader" award for his kindergarten class. My heart swelled SO big for him! He started the school year out cursing reading, saying how much he hated it. Now, he's reading on a second grade level and learning new words every day. I'm a lover of all things in print, and I used to be the kid that would finish a book in the car before we got home from the bookstore, so I'm glad I seem to have (hopefully!) passed that on to him.
So proud of my sweet boy.
Harper is soon to be four! I can't believe it, I feel like I was just pregnant with her! Her hair has gotten so long and gorgeous, and she is looking more and more like me, which makes me happy. She is loving preschool and thriving in it, learning her letters, numbers and Spanish (she blows me away with her Spanish!). I'm so lucky that our kids have had the opportunity to attend an amazing Parent's Day Out program at a local church in our area. We love it there.
Buuuut, she's acquired a baaad bad habit lately. LYING. She has been lying (and making it look easy) a ton lately, and I just don't know what to do about her! So, I just pray. I pray that it's not a sign of things to come.
And Maddox. He'll be two in a little over a month! Where did my baby go???? He talksandtalksandtalksandtalks. Nonstop. He always has something to say, and the daily conversations I have with him put the stupidiest grins on my face.
"Mom! Mom! I want this."
"What?"
"Dis!" (holding up a box of granola bars)
"Okay, get one out and give it to Mommy, I'll open it."
"Ya." (if you haven't heard him say "YA" yet, it's a must. Hilarious.)
He runs over to me with those chubby legs, cankles and feet with this big stupid grin on his face, like granola bars are the best thing God ever created.
He's such a sweetheart.
But he's also worse than Curious George and Dennis the Menace. Combined. On their worst days. He's a freak, man! Here's a veryveryvery small list of the things he's done this week. Yes...this WEEK.
colored on the baseboards with black permanent marker, then colored a spider next to the baseboard until he killed it. I don't know how he managed to keep it there...probably held it with one hand and colored on it with the other, who knows.
pushed a chair into the laundry room to climb on the washer to get all the cleaning supplies out and sprayed them all over himself.
ran over to our neighbor's house naked and laughed and stood in front of their screen door (for a good five minutes or so before I found him)
ran over to our neighbor's house, got in the garage and took their pink barbie jeep hostage. again, a good five minutes or so before I even realized he was out of the house,
ran out the sliding glass door, around the house, and into the street. I had literally just been in the bathroom with him 15 seconds prior to that fiasco.
pulled out all of the pots and pans, climbed on the counter and got out the spoons ("fuks" he calls them...everything's a "fork."), poured some super sticky honey smacks into the pots and pans, covered them in water and then spilled it all over the living room floor. During the three minutes it took him to perform this special trick, I was upstairs getting Harper dressed.
colored all over our computer screen with (you guessed it!) permanent marker.
pulled the chair over to the bar and climbed up, found gum, proceeding to put about 10 pieces in his mouth at once.
poured yogurt all over the kitchen floor, table, wall, curtains
spilled 99.9% of every drink I've given him. All over the floor, kitchen table, wall and curtains.
made it appear that a tornado had gone through our downstairs in approximately two minutes (I know this, because I stood there, timing it).
Yeah...he's a hot mess. But, underneath it all is the sweetest, most caring, loveablehuggablesqueezable little man. He has the best hugs, the best cuddles, and the best smiles. And even though my head hurts just thinking about going home after work and doing it all over again, hearing him say "luuuuh you!" makes it all worthwhile.
I promisepromise I'll try to keep this blog updated more. And if no one reads it, it's more than okay with me. Because I know it'll be here for me and for my kids to read months and hopefully years down the road.
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