I'm still friends with several girls I've known from grade school up, which rocks. I had a best friend once, my soul mate I thought. We were best friends in kindergarten and then through middle school, high school, and even roomed together at Ball State our freshman year. I thought we would be best friends til we were old and gray. I was SO wrong. It's hard to say what exactly went wrong, and you know there are two sides to every story. We both changed, I suppose. But, regardless of who's more at fault, regardless of what the final nail in the coffin was, I'm just as devastated now as I was four years ago when the relationship fell apart. It's similar to a death, the end of a lifelong friendship. It has left a huge scar on my heart that I'm afraid will never fade with time. She's getting married in August, and I have no part in that day. Considering the fact that she was standing with me when I took my vows five years ago, that's a tough pill to swallow. She's a stranger now, and I'm heartbroken over it. It's truly the one thing in my life that went WAY wrong. I've made some amazing friendships in the four years since I lost her, girls that I love from the depths of my soul. Girls that don't judge me, that I can tell my deepest darkest secrets to (and believe me, I have some deep.dark.secrets), that laugh when I laugh, cry when I cry, love me and love my kids, support me in every outlet of my life, tell me they hate my husband when I do, tell me they love my husband when I do, tell me they love me before we hang up the phone, and people that I know God handpicked for me when I needed them most (one of these girls I speak of is actually Tina's twin sister. Talk about w.e.i.r.d.)...but still, none have completely filled that void, and no matter what, losing her is one of the saddest things that's happened to me.
The closer and closer her bridal shower approaches, her bachelorette party approaches, and the wedding nears, the more and more my heart aches and actually feels like it's breaking into a million little pieces.
I've talked this situation into the ground with mutual friends, my sister, my husband, etc...and it's not a conversation worth having with anyone anymore. There's no solution, no rhyme or reason to what happened. But it burdens me. daily. So, I write. And hope that maybe one day it'll get a little bit easier.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
maddox shenanigans
ohh, my sweet bubby.
bedtime is a tough one for you, isn't it?
Tonight I laid him down in bed (he's in a big boy bed now!) and about five minutes later, I hear his little feet scurry across the floor upstairs. I find him in with Ethan and Harper, laying on the pillow all sweet, cute and cuddly with Ethan. I put him back in bed and sit at the computer (it's in the loft at a halfway point between the bedrooms).
Three minutes later...
He opens the door to the bedroom, zooms past me to the chair in the loft and lays there and closes his eyes. I REALLY think that he thought if he got past me quickly enough, that I wouldn't notice him.
"Maddox."
no answer.
"Maddox, bubby. You need to go to bed."
no response. Still laying there with his eyes closed and a little smirk on his face.
Walk over there and pick him up.
His eyes pop open.
"No, Mommy. 'top it! 'top it, mommy!!!"
Lay him back in bed with kisses and cuddles. Because he's too.friggin.cute.
(repeat above scenerio about twelve times)....
He's finally sleeping now. :)
bedtime is a tough one for you, isn't it?
Tonight I laid him down in bed (he's in a big boy bed now!) and about five minutes later, I hear his little feet scurry across the floor upstairs. I find him in with Ethan and Harper, laying on the pillow all sweet, cute and cuddly with Ethan. I put him back in bed and sit at the computer (it's in the loft at a halfway point between the bedrooms).
Three minutes later...
He opens the door to the bedroom, zooms past me to the chair in the loft and lays there and closes his eyes. I REALLY think that he thought if he got past me quickly enough, that I wouldn't notice him.
"Maddox."
no answer.
"Maddox, bubby. You need to go to bed."
no response. Still laying there with his eyes closed and a little smirk on his face.
Walk over there and pick him up.
His eyes pop open.
"No, Mommy. 'top it! 'top it, mommy!!!"
Lay him back in bed with kisses and cuddles. Because he's too.friggin.cute.
(repeat above scenerio about twelve times)....
He's finally sleeping now. :)
Me and my sweet baby boy last summer. Can't believe he'll be TWO in July!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I *must* blog more often. For me and especially for my kids.
So, I think about this blog waaay more than I post.
I need to continue to be inspired to keep this blog updated.
For myself.
And for my kids.
You see, I bought a book the other day. this book.
Warning: if you are pregnant, a mother, hormonal or someone who cries easily: proceed with caution. Because I've been pregnant, I am a mother, I'm a woman (thus, always hormonal), and I DO cry easily, so I understand.
This is a story written by Matt Logelin. He lost his wife 27 hours after the birth of his daughter. His wife never even held their one and only daughter for the first time before she died of an embolism.
Sob sob sob.
I did just that, reading his amazing book.
And it inspired me.
It inspired me to write it all down. I want to remember what my brain won't. I want my kids to remember the little things we did, day in and day out, whether they had lots of meaning at the time or not.
So, here we go:
Ethan graduated kindergarten Monday. I can't believe he's six, and I can't believe he's going to be in first grade next year!! Dave wasn't able to attend Ethan's graduation because he was working, but I think he would've been annoyed with me anyway, had he came. I gave Maddox a styrofoam cup of diet pepsi during the program, which he promptly dropped, the bottom falling out, soaking us both and the floor, rolling into purses and cell phones under the seats in front of us. And as I stood up to try cleaning the mess, my stadium-style chair popped up and all of his chex mix went all over the ground behind me. Ohhhh, Maddox. And me. we're a mess together. :)
Back to Ethan. He got the "star reader" award for his kindergarten class. My heart swelled SO big for him! He started the school year out cursing reading, saying how much he hated it. Now, he's reading on a second grade level and learning new words every day. I'm a lover of all things in print, and I used to be the kid that would finish a book in the car before we got home from the bookstore, so I'm glad I seem to have (hopefully!) passed that on to him.
So proud of my sweet boy.
Harper is soon to be four! I can't believe it, I feel like I was just pregnant with her! Her hair has gotten so long and gorgeous, and she is looking more and more like me, which makes me happy. She is loving preschool and thriving in it, learning her letters, numbers and Spanish (she blows me away with her Spanish!). I'm so lucky that our kids have had the opportunity to attend an amazing Parent's Day Out program at a local church in our area. We love it there.
Buuuut, she's acquired a baaad bad habit lately. LYING. She has been lying (and making it look easy) a ton lately, and I just don't know what to do about her! So, I just pray. I pray that it's not a sign of things to come.
And Maddox. He'll be two in a little over a month! Where did my baby go???? He talksandtalksandtalksandtalks. Nonstop. He always has something to say, and the daily conversations I have with him put the stupidiest grins on my face.
"Mom! Mom! I want this."
"What?"
"Dis!" (holding up a box of granola bars)
"Okay, get one out and give it to Mommy, I'll open it."
"Ya." (if you haven't heard him say "YA" yet, it's a must. Hilarious.)
He runs over to me with those chubby legs, cankles and feet with this big stupid grin on his face, like granola bars are the best thing God ever created.
He's such a sweetheart.
But he's also worse than Curious George and Dennis the Menace. Combined. On their worst days. He's a freak, man! Here's a veryveryvery small list of the things he's done this week. Yes...this WEEK.
colored on the baseboards with black permanent marker, then colored a spider next to the baseboard until he killed it. I don't know how he managed to keep it there...probably held it with one hand and colored on it with the other, who knows.
pushed a chair into the laundry room to climb on the washer to get all the cleaning supplies out and sprayed them all over himself.
ran over to our neighbor's house naked and laughed and stood in front of their screen door (for a good five minutes or so before I found him)
ran over to our neighbor's house, got in the garage and took their pink barbie jeep hostage. again, a good five minutes or so before I even realized he was out of the house,
ran out the sliding glass door, around the house, and into the street. I had literally just been in the bathroom with him 15 seconds prior to that fiasco.
pulled out all of the pots and pans, climbed on the counter and got out the spoons ("fuks" he calls them...everything's a "fork."), poured some super sticky honey smacks into the pots and pans, covered them in water and then spilled it all over the living room floor. During the three minutes it took him to perform this special trick, I was upstairs getting Harper dressed.
colored all over our computer screen with (you guessed it!) permanent marker.
I need to continue to be inspired to keep this blog updated.
For myself.
And for my kids.
You see, I bought a book the other day. this book.
Warning: if you are pregnant, a mother, hormonal or someone who cries easily: proceed with caution. Because I've been pregnant, I am a mother, I'm a woman (thus, always hormonal), and I DO cry easily, so I understand.
This is a story written by Matt Logelin. He lost his wife 27 hours after the birth of his daughter. His wife never even held their one and only daughter for the first time before she died of an embolism.
Sob sob sob.
I did just that, reading his amazing book.
And it inspired me.
It inspired me to write it all down. I want to remember what my brain won't. I want my kids to remember the little things we did, day in and day out, whether they had lots of meaning at the time or not.
So, here we go:
Ethan graduated kindergarten Monday. I can't believe he's six, and I can't believe he's going to be in first grade next year!! Dave wasn't able to attend Ethan's graduation because he was working, but I think he would've been annoyed with me anyway, had he came. I gave Maddox a styrofoam cup of diet pepsi during the program, which he promptly dropped, the bottom falling out, soaking us both and the floor, rolling into purses and cell phones under the seats in front of us. And as I stood up to try cleaning the mess, my stadium-style chair popped up and all of his chex mix went all over the ground behind me. Ohhhh, Maddox. And me. we're a mess together. :)
Back to Ethan. He got the "star reader" award for his kindergarten class. My heart swelled SO big for him! He started the school year out cursing reading, saying how much he hated it. Now, he's reading on a second grade level and learning new words every day. I'm a lover of all things in print, and I used to be the kid that would finish a book in the car before we got home from the bookstore, so I'm glad I seem to have (hopefully!) passed that on to him.
So proud of my sweet boy.
Harper is soon to be four! I can't believe it, I feel like I was just pregnant with her! Her hair has gotten so long and gorgeous, and she is looking more and more like me, which makes me happy. She is loving preschool and thriving in it, learning her letters, numbers and Spanish (she blows me away with her Spanish!). I'm so lucky that our kids have had the opportunity to attend an amazing Parent's Day Out program at a local church in our area. We love it there.
Buuuut, she's acquired a baaad bad habit lately. LYING. She has been lying (and making it look easy) a ton lately, and I just don't know what to do about her! So, I just pray. I pray that it's not a sign of things to come.
And Maddox. He'll be two in a little over a month! Where did my baby go???? He talksandtalksandtalksandtalks. Nonstop. He always has something to say, and the daily conversations I have with him put the stupidiest grins on my face.
"Mom! Mom! I want this."
"What?"
"Dis!" (holding up a box of granola bars)
"Okay, get one out and give it to Mommy, I'll open it."
"Ya." (if you haven't heard him say "YA" yet, it's a must. Hilarious.)
He runs over to me with those chubby legs, cankles and feet with this big stupid grin on his face, like granola bars are the best thing God ever created.
He's such a sweetheart.
But he's also worse than Curious George and Dennis the Menace. Combined. On their worst days. He's a freak, man! Here's a veryveryvery small list of the things he's done this week. Yes...this WEEK.
colored on the baseboards with black permanent marker, then colored a spider next to the baseboard until he killed it. I don't know how he managed to keep it there...probably held it with one hand and colored on it with the other, who knows.
pushed a chair into the laundry room to climb on the washer to get all the cleaning supplies out and sprayed them all over himself.
ran over to our neighbor's house naked and laughed and stood in front of their screen door (for a good five minutes or so before I found him)
ran over to our neighbor's house, got in the garage and took their pink barbie jeep hostage. again, a good five minutes or so before I even realized he was out of the house,
ran out the sliding glass door, around the house, and into the street. I had literally just been in the bathroom with him 15 seconds prior to that fiasco.
pulled out all of the pots and pans, climbed on the counter and got out the spoons ("fuks" he calls them...everything's a "fork."), poured some super sticky honey smacks into the pots and pans, covered them in water and then spilled it all over the living room floor. During the three minutes it took him to perform this special trick, I was upstairs getting Harper dressed.
colored all over our computer screen with (you guessed it!) permanent marker.
pulled the chair over to the bar and climbed up, found gum, proceeding to put about 10 pieces in his mouth at once.
poured yogurt all over the kitchen floor, table, wall, curtains
spilled 99.9% of every drink I've given him. All over the floor, kitchen table, wall and curtains.
made it appear that a tornado had gone through our downstairs in approximately two minutes (I know this, because I stood there, timing it).
Yeah...he's a hot mess. But, underneath it all is the sweetest, most caring, loveablehuggablesqueezable little man. He has the best hugs, the best cuddles, and the best smiles. And even though my head hurts just thinking about going home after work and doing it all over again, hearing him say "luuuuh you!" makes it all worthwhile.
I promisepromise I'll try to keep this blog updated more. And if no one reads it, it's more than okay with me. Because I know it'll be here for me and for my kids to read months and hopefully years down the road.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Hello, old neglected blog! Guess what? I'm DIETING!
I haven't used this blog for close to a year. I wanted to use it as a personal blog, but it was hard to keep it and my photography blog going at the same time. I will, however, try to keep this one more updated, and more geared towards personal posts.
I started a diabetic diet with my own spin about a week ago. Seeing as I still weigh what I did when Maddox was a newborn, I decided it was finally time to get my old body back!
I've had a TON of questions about what exactly I'm doing, so I thought I would post some info here. I've lost six pounds in a week so far! My goal is to weigh anywhere between 135-140 pounds, so I have about 15-19 pounds to go!
I'm basically doing low carb, low cal, no "whites" diet.
Low carb- pretty self-explanatory
Low cal- again, pretty self-explanatory
No whites- No white bread, no sugar, no potatoes, no rice.
"Diabetic" part of the diet? "Good" carbs only. 100% whole grains only, but eaten sparingly. So, whole wheat bread/pasta/even saltines have a whole-wheat option.
I'm trying to keep myself around 3-4 carb exchanges per day. 1 carb exchange = 15 grams of carbohydrates. So, around 30-45 grams of carbs per day.
Trying to eat every 3 hours...but that's hard for me to do, with work and the kids, but I'm trying!!!
Here's an example of a regular day:
breakfast- 2 eggs, scrambled with lunch meat chopped, 1-2 pieces of cheese (gouda is my fav!) and some scallions thrown in.
snack 1- a slice of cheese and an apple
lunch- salad with chopped chicken, lots of veggies, some cheese, ranch or balsalmic dressing
snack 2- 100 calorie pack
dinner- fish or chicken, cauliflower or broccoli or a salad
snack 3- 5 whole wheat saltine crackers with a thin layer of PB.
Eating frequently throughout the day jump starts your metabolism, and keeping the meals small helps with the weight loss, and also helps get you used to portion control.
Cooking meals at home will wreck havoc on your dishes...we run about 3 loads through the dishwasher daily! But what I love about it is that I am WAY more aware about what goes INTO my food, and pay more attention to what I'm putting into my body. I like it that way. I like preparing my own meals. Here are a few of my favorite "recipes:"
Roasted cauliflower- cut up a head of cauliflower into 8 sections. stick in foil. drizzle EVOO or regular vege oil over it, add some salt, pepper and red pepper flakes. Cook in the foil in the oven on 450 for around 15 minutes or so. SO tasty, SO good for you, and SO easy!
Balsalmic chicken- bake 3-4 chicken tenderloins in the oven. Find Newman's Own Creamy Balsalmic dressing (not sold everywhere, I think we find it at Meijer and Walmart), pour about 3-4 tablespoons in a saucepan, heat until just boiling (you'll notice it start to reduce and get a little darker). Pour over your baked chicken, add a handful of scallions, and voila! One of the best tasting and simplest low-carb meals out there!
Cajun talapia- the easiest of them all! I put the tilapia filets on a baking pan (still frozen, even), and sprinkle a good amount of cajun seasoning over it, pop it in the oven at 400 or so for about 10-15 minutes. That's IT!
Broccoli and cheese is good too!
I buy LOTS of veggies at the grocery store weekly (green/red/yellow peppers, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, celery, etc) and do all the prep at home. chop, slice and dice it all, so it's there, ready and waiting for me when snack time rolls around!
Ranch dressing is low carb (watch the serving size though, the calories can add up!), so I slice up a green pepper, dip in some ranch, and done. easy, low carb, low cal, and good for you!
If you have any recipe or meal ideas, please don't hesitate to share! I love new recipe ideas!
Find a friend that's eating healthy, too, and be accountability partners. I have a friend who started the "diet" the same day I did, and we text each other daily what we've eaten. It's easy to be "responsible" that way!
And good luck!
I started a diabetic diet with my own spin about a week ago. Seeing as I still weigh what I did when Maddox was a newborn, I decided it was finally time to get my old body back!
I've had a TON of questions about what exactly I'm doing, so I thought I would post some info here. I've lost six pounds in a week so far! My goal is to weigh anywhere between 135-140 pounds, so I have about 15-19 pounds to go!
I'm basically doing low carb, low cal, no "whites" diet.
Low carb- pretty self-explanatory
Low cal- again, pretty self-explanatory
No whites- No white bread, no sugar, no potatoes, no rice.
"Diabetic" part of the diet? "Good" carbs only. 100% whole grains only, but eaten sparingly. So, whole wheat bread/pasta/even saltines have a whole-wheat option.
I'm trying to keep myself around 3-4 carb exchanges per day. 1 carb exchange = 15 grams of carbohydrates. So, around 30-45 grams of carbs per day.
Trying to eat every 3 hours...but that's hard for me to do, with work and the kids, but I'm trying!!!
Here's an example of a regular day:
breakfast- 2 eggs, scrambled with lunch meat chopped, 1-2 pieces of cheese (gouda is my fav!) and some scallions thrown in.
snack 1- a slice of cheese and an apple
lunch- salad with chopped chicken, lots of veggies, some cheese, ranch or balsalmic dressing
snack 2- 100 calorie pack
dinner- fish or chicken, cauliflower or broccoli or a salad
snack 3- 5 whole wheat saltine crackers with a thin layer of PB.
Eating frequently throughout the day jump starts your metabolism, and keeping the meals small helps with the weight loss, and also helps get you used to portion control.
Cooking meals at home will wreck havoc on your dishes...we run about 3 loads through the dishwasher daily! But what I love about it is that I am WAY more aware about what goes INTO my food, and pay more attention to what I'm putting into my body. I like it that way. I like preparing my own meals. Here are a few of my favorite "recipes:"
Roasted cauliflower- cut up a head of cauliflower into 8 sections. stick in foil. drizzle EVOO or regular vege oil over it, add some salt, pepper and red pepper flakes. Cook in the foil in the oven on 450 for around 15 minutes or so. SO tasty, SO good for you, and SO easy!
Balsalmic chicken- bake 3-4 chicken tenderloins in the oven. Find Newman's Own Creamy Balsalmic dressing (not sold everywhere, I think we find it at Meijer and Walmart), pour about 3-4 tablespoons in a saucepan, heat until just boiling (you'll notice it start to reduce and get a little darker). Pour over your baked chicken, add a handful of scallions, and voila! One of the best tasting and simplest low-carb meals out there!
Cajun talapia- the easiest of them all! I put the tilapia filets on a baking pan (still frozen, even), and sprinkle a good amount of cajun seasoning over it, pop it in the oven at 400 or so for about 10-15 minutes. That's IT!
Broccoli and cheese is good too!
I buy LOTS of veggies at the grocery store weekly (green/red/yellow peppers, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, celery, etc) and do all the prep at home. chop, slice and dice it all, so it's there, ready and waiting for me when snack time rolls around!
Ranch dressing is low carb (watch the serving size though, the calories can add up!), so I slice up a green pepper, dip in some ranch, and done. easy, low carb, low cal, and good for you!
If you have any recipe or meal ideas, please don't hesitate to share! I love new recipe ideas!
Find a friend that's eating healthy, too, and be accountability partners. I have a friend who started the "diet" the same day I did, and we text each other daily what we've eaten. It's easy to be "responsible" that way!
And good luck!
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